An Unanticipated Goodbye

This is a post about our baby, us, and our dog, Holly. When we thought about bringing a baby home from Kaz, we had our worries: would the baby be allergic to the dog? What would we do? Luckily, we were confronted with no sneezes or wheezes, and Thumblini appears singularly in love with every dog she meets. Our worries were allayed only briefly, however, before it began to creep up on us that all was not right with the transition to a family of four.

We have come to discover that Holly has dementia. She barks at phantoms. She stares at walls. She lunges for things that are not there. Her eyes have faded, as has her hearing. Sometimes she stares at me, trying to place the face, even when I am calling her by name. Once diagnosed with dementia, she was put on Anipryl (15mg), but to no noticeable effect. She can no longer be redirected or disciplined effectively. She is motivated only by food and nothing else. It has been for the last several years that she has slid progressively into a ghosted image of that daring, fierce, loyal, lickety-split beauty who won Most Obedient at the Provincetown Dog Show 1996.

When she is not sleeping, she cruises the house for food. Oftentimes, this involves circling Thumblini's high chair like a shark. Twice, now she has snapped at the baby's foot while foraging for scraps. Once, she mistook the pacifier (in use at the time) for a tasty morsel, and was relentless in her efforts to get at it. That makes three close calls - two too many for most. Beloved Holly, so long the fur-baby, cannot be redirected or dissuaded from her quest for human/baby food (largely due to her diminished capacity and compromised sensory input). When sequestered (via dog door/baby gate, for example), she barks and screams in the feral-dog-in-a-trap way that is oh so unique to the Shiba Inu.

Holly, in her Golden Years, turns out to be a risk to our daughter. Holly has teeth. Holly lacks discretion. Holly is plagued with the dark anxiety of senility, a weakening grasp of her environment, and an intractable resistance to correction and redirection. Medication and behavioral interventions have not worked, and we have run out of options.

***

As you read this post, the fabric of our family, once a pack, has changed. Thumblini's safety and the ultimate comfort of the pet as well as her caregivers moved us to do what I have always anticipated in the abstract, but have now participted in carrying out myself. From the moment I met that tiny puppy, I knew I would have to face her demise, however it was to come, and this was that time.

I miss her terribly. And I miss the dog she used to be. While alive she was a touchstone to my 20s, and life before my two human loves. For CM and myself, she was present the entire length of our relationship, from the moment we met.

Goodbye, Holly. May you find fields full of rabbits to chase, may you eat birthday steak every night without side effects, and may you forever have a soft, warm spot to sleep in.

- DD