I have tried to write a post numerous times in the past month or two. What I have found is that when I sit down to write, I have so much to share, so many things I want to say, that I become overwhelmed and my post ends up all over the place. So rather than publish it, I trash it.
Here I go again. Only this time, I am determined to write something that we’ll publish.
This morning, while we were strolling by the water and feeding the ducks with Thumblini, I realized that today is only the 2nd time she has ever experienced the feeling of the sun shining down on her face. In all of her little life. She was never allowed outside while living in the Baby House, and the past 4 ½ months (since she became our daughter) have been total winter – it has felt endless. Thank God it is not. Suddenly, the birds are tweeting, the flowers are blooming and she doesn’t need a jacket! There is just something about this that hits me hard. My sweet little girl finally gets to see spring!
I guess what makes this such a big deal for me is how little I feel we can take for granted. I take T to Gymboree every week, and we are surrounded with moms and babies (many pregnant moms) and I am often struck by how much the people around me assume certain things about their children and about T. They are nice people and I think T has a great time tumbling about with their children, but I am constantly amazed at the fact that only a few months ago my little girl had never seen so much color and had no freedom whatsoever. The children surrounding us have had parents their whole lives and while I am happy for them, it breaks my heart for T. I love her so much and have become so profoundly attached to her, that even as we have a blast together, I find myself reflecting on how new everything is for her – having parents, being surrounded by fun and color, experiencing sunshine, playing on a playground. She is taking it all in beautifully – she screams with delight as she slides down the slide, she smiles from ear to ear as we “bounce and bounce and bounce” and she is overjoyed when the Gymboree teacher blows bubbles. I love watching her revel in the fun and yet somehow, I just cannot get it out of my head that she hasn’t had access to such joy her whole life. I know everyone is going to comment and tell me “but she has it now!” and that is true, but this is one of the things that makes being an adoptive parent different…there is a certain awareness that makes things both magnificently special and deeply sad all at once.
So, it has been 15 weeks since our return to the States. I’d say that for me, the first 10 weeks were brutally difficult. What an adjustment. Flying home for 28 hours and recovering from jet lag seemed easy compared to the intensity of what followed: hosting & introducing friends and family to T, reorienting our home to make it welcoming and safe for T, falling down the stairs with T in my arms, trying to learn how to cram work in while caring for T, trying to figure out how to be a wife and mother all at once and just not sleeping at all most of the time.
And then around week 11 or 12, something began to shift for me. I started to get a bit more into a routine and T started to settle in a bit more. I stopped focusing on managing the logistics of my new life and started focusing on building a relationship with my charismatic, engaging, ever-evolving daughter. I shifted over from being scared I would damage her if I put her diaper on too tightly, to having fun chasing her around the house and then at some point finding that she needed a diaper change. I am really getting to know this little person who is my daughter, and I am finding her to be a wonder. I am completely and totally in love with her. It turns out that now – just 15 weeks in - this little person is someone with whom I share my whole life, and I just happen to have to change her diapers and feed her.
After 5 ½ years of trying to become a mom, the shock of actually being a mom has taken me by surprise. I confess that I spent a great deal of energy avoiding thinking about what it would be like to be a mom. It was just too painful. But now here I am, I am coming out of shock and settling into my new role. And I love it. I absolutely and completely love being T’s mommy. It was worth the wait. It was worth everything I went through to get here. Everything. And now we emerge from a dark, cold winter together – and spring is here!!!
- CM
19 comments:
Tears here. I totally understand what you are saying. I felt the same way at Gymboree with Sophie. Watching the other kids be so carefree including Sophie but thinking OMG, this is nothing she has ever experienced and these kids have no idea how lucky they were to have a mom and dad their whole lives. Yes, she is happy now and yes she probably does not remember her time at the BH but I do. I cry for her. They always say that you can't expect a baby who has lived in a BH to be un scathed by the whole thing...I think it is the adoptive parents who are emotionally scared from it too. I love your blog and your words so often ring so true.
A beautiful strawberry blonde spring. Who could ask for anything more? Thank you for sharing such beautiful photos and words. Now, please send some spring MY way!
I loved reading this latest post. I am so happy to see that things shifted for you - yes things take time to adjust to all the new things this brings to your life.
It brought tears to my eyes thinking about what you said about her life before she had parents to her life now. It amazes me because I think that is how *I* would see things too. I think in time it will fade into the background and her memories of how things are now - moving forward - will be the most important.
This whole process of babyhouses and adoption is heartbreaking and then wonderful all at once. I can't wait for our journey - glad you're following along!
Big hugs - xxoo
Eileen
Sandi Said:
"CM
Your words bring tears to my eyes. I think evey adoptive parent has some of the same feelings and I believe they are normal. I am glad that you have found your groove and that you are head over heals in love with T. She is one beautiful little girl and I am sure she is happy the sun is shining.
Hugs to you guys as you get ready for Spring and Summertime:)
Sandi
Just found your blog- I don't know if you remember us from our meeting in Almaty on the plane home. So good to see you both and Little T are adjusting well to life as a family of three. She is such a beautiful little girl- you can tell she is totally thriving at home! Just caught up on some of your posts- this whole parenting thing is completely the most wonderfully challenging, yet completely rewarding thing ever, huh? I can totally relate to your feelings at Gymboree class- the SAME feelings overcome me when I take Rylie to the Little Gym class. Such happiness at her joy and innocence in everything, but still such sadness and in a way such guilt that she didn't have this from the start. But that is something that makes adoptive parenting so unique- and in my opinion, really so special. You learn to embrace simple pleasures that so many others take for granted.
All our best, and enjoy the Spring!
Sara, Adam, and Rylie
Oh thank you for calling her Thumblini, because that puts her last in the alphabet on my blog list so I checked your blog last in my day of blog checking. The best story ever for which to sign off.
She's beautiful and you are beautiful parents!
Shannon
CM-What a beauitful post. I love the gorgeous picture of your daughter. She is awesome. I can't imagine all the thoughts that you have going thru your head, because, we're not there yet, but as I think about our child and then I think about Sean, our son, and I have similar thoughts to what you have expressed.
I think this experience will be life changing for all of us, including Sean ,because he will start to understand (hopefully) how much he does have and has had in his short 10 years of life (his birthday is TODAY!!) and appreciate things more. He just told me he wants to go on a mission trip with our church to Guatemela, so maybe, things are sinking in?
Being a mom is a HUGE adjustment-and it does take awhile. I remember being so scared of Sean (he was a preemie, a tiny lil 4.5 lb infant) and i was so scared. But, after a while, it was second nature and we just had fun. Sounds like that is exactly what has happened to you. I'm so happy for you. You sound happy, overjoyed, and very in love with your precious angel.
I love the picture of her.
You are beautiful. :)
Tears of joy here too, completely understanding your feelings! The transition from wishing to be a mom to becoming a mom is really something!! It really feels like winter is over!! Somebody congratulated me today for being lucky and not having to carry 2 pregnancies! I did not even know what an apropiate response should I give....
Miss T is so cute......I love the picture with the spring tree, the daddy and the little girl.
I completely know what you mean about appreciating everything - it is the absolute best thing that adoption has given me.
I'm glad you're settling into your role - it gets easier and more natural as you go - and your love will only deepen - hard to imagine when you love her so much, but it's true!
How come you always find a way to put into words what I'm feeling or felt, too?
I'm so happy you're settling into it all. It took me a while, too, but it just gets easier, and better, all the time.
I've had similar feelings when Tyler was in Gymboree, too, looking around at the other moms, many of them pregnant again, and watching Tyler adjust to so much going on around him. Mitch and I were never the kind of people who viewed adoption as "rescuing" a child, but we now we just love Tyler so much that we are so happy that he doesn't have to grow up in an orphanage and he can just be a kid playing in the mud.
I guess in a way all the sh*t many of us have gone through results in the gift of never being able to take our kids for granted.
CM, that's just the most beautiful post I have ever read. Settling into Momhood is a process, as you found out - and wow have you settled beautifully. Everyone won in this match up, everyone. And you won twice - you overcame your very justified fears of motherhood and never need to look back because you are now the creator of your experience. Love, the very proud stepmom/nana-t
That was a beautiful post -definitely worth publishing (and reading!).
Hmm, so that's how long it takes - 10 weeks? I may be a little short on leave time... Seriously, that is wondeful that you've crossed the chasm (or threshold according to Regina and Frank) and are no longer "sweating the small stuff - and it's all small stuff" except for your relationship with your daughter. If there can be any advantages to a child to be adopted versus living with birthparents is that adoptive parents never seem to take anything for granted. The first ray of sunshine, the first feeling of grass on bare feet... everything is a first and we seem to want to cherish these moments even more given that they are firsts. And you'll continue to have so many more firsts and special moments together. I can't wait to hear about all of those too!
I would be more then happy to invite you to my blog. You can e-mail me at murielcollison@hotmail.com
Regina said:
"Tears here too. You are a gifted writer, and a wonderful mom. Thank you for your determiniation to write down all these complex thoughts. It is such an honor to have a glimpse into your experience.
Yes, T will be with you your whole life, not just for the diaper changes. What you do over the next 15-20 years will greatly influence the evolution of the relationship you will have when T is an adult.
Can't you just imagine the day that you and she are just chatting over coffee about the beauty spring flowers that have just bloomed?"
I remember the first time I walked into Gymboree, I was terrified. While I hadn't been through adoption, I knew in my heart that none of the other mothers would know what it was like to have a 2 year old and be living with a debilitating illness. What I learned is that no one will ever understand the challenges that some mothers and children face, however if I don't enjoy every minute of it, what's it all worth. (as you remind me so often) So with that I cheer your joy and encourage you my dear friend to try whenever you can to throw away your sorrow! Lots of love! - Jo
I think it is so important that you acknowledge the sadness for yourself and T. Oh, to have a parent that doesn't take things for granted! I think that is truly special for T. She will be the better for it. YOU GET IT! That is huge. You get it all!
As I read your earlier posts, I often thought of myself sitting in the bathroom crying when L was a newborn. I was exactly like you - working so hard to get pregnant that I did not think a lot about the unbelievable responsibility of being the center of a child's world. Whew! But, when you figure out that all you have to do is love that child first and foremost (not worry about whether you are doing it right or not), everything else falls into place.
Happy spring!
CM: this is a beautiful post. Though it is filled with many different emotions, it is so good to be able to 'hear' you smile :)
What a beautiful post.
Darlene
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