One of my clients hosted a surprise baby shower for me on Tuesday. I walked into a meeting only to find 35 people staring at me with smiles on their faces, flowers, a library of books for Thumblini, and a gorgeous cake on the table. I never experienced a surprise like this before, and because of my infertility history I had avoided baby showers for years. Turns out, they're not so bad!
The next morning, still woozy with cake, I headed downstairs with Thumblini in my arms and - whoops! - the dog under my feet. The three of us slid and thumped down the length of the staircase, in what was the longest and scariest moment of my entire life. No exaggeration. Even my colon cancer scare had nothing on thinking I had just banged Thumblini's head on each post in the bannister as we fell uncontrollably down the stairs. I swear as we fell, I saw her hit her head over and over again. My husband heard the shrieking and the commotion, and crossed the dining room to meet us at the bottom of the stairs, catching Thumblini as she flew out of my arms at the last step. I was hysterical, the baby was screaming, and somehow, and - it had to be a miracle - Thumblini survived without a scratch. After a couple of hours, the shock wore off and I found out I was not so lucky: my legs and back were painted with broad purple bruises, and I hurt all over.
Yesterday (seventeen ibuprofen later), four dear friends of mine threw a wonderful party for us. They organized an elegant and warm event with all of our friends, a magnificent cake, champagne, and a beautiful ceremony of thanksgiving for Thumblini's birth and adoption. The 15-minute ceremony was led by two of our dearest friends, and it reflected on our whole journey, from infertility, to Kazakhstan, and finally to parenthood. They helped us celebrate our coming together as a family, and they welcomed Thumblini into the community. It was magnificent.
And now I sit in my cozy gingerbread cottage on a cold winter day in New England thinking about what it is to be a new mom. No, I have nothing profound to share, but I have noticed some differences in my life: Where once I kept a meticulous calendar and never missed a deadline, I now find it difficult to even find my calendar and I have inadvertently stood up friends more than once. I have started working again, but I find myself frantically cramming work in-between diaper changes, feedings, laundry, playtimes and naptimes. I discovered this weekend that I am a MUCH more tentative, nervous mom than I had ever thought I would be. After speaking with 2 other parents about how and what they feed their babies, I realized I'm petrified I'll give Thumblini a stomach ache or bring about her death by choking on a Cheerio.
And then there is my relationship with my husband. He is patient and kind and attentive, and is the dad any child would wish for (and can I just say one more time thank GOD he was home when we fell??!!!) But, we have been finding it difficult to connect in the midst of this adjustment. I have been a bitch and unpleasant a lot of the time, and we have argued more in the past month than we ever have in all our years together. Yes, I know it's only been 7 weeks since we returned home with a new baby, but we checked in yesterday and it is clear that we miss each other deeply. So after a good, long (and long-overdue), talk, we are feeling more hopeful and connected. We have to be vigilant to remind ourselves that part of the reason we sought to be parents was to enrich our life as a couple, not drive it into the ground.
Such a week. The warm fuzzies proliferate in our house, and the glow of those around us will surely be around for some time...but tomorrow, Dr. Dad goes back to work, and Thumblini and I will be alone with the taunting stairs. Even with all of the wonderful, generous people in my life, I still feel scared and alone sometimes. This new mommy thing is the best and hardest thing I have ever done. It is worth it, but anyone who says that being a new mom is easy is either totally checked out or is totally lying.
- CM
PS: More photos soon...
15 comments:
Here, here!! I laughed in admiration and appreciation as I read your last statement because you finally said something I've been dying to say that not many people (ok, who am I kidding- NO ONE!) says on their public or even private blog- parenting is SUCH hard work. Amazingly hard work. Tear your hair out and cry sobbing into the pillow hard work. Is it worth it? There are definitely days when parenting brings me untold joy- happy tears to my eyes and wondering if my heart will burst. But do I cry in overwhelming frustration at times? Absolutely! Still! (Though those days are fewer and further between nowadays.)
I'm so glad to hear you and Miss T didn't break your necks falling down the stairs. Any yay to both of you for your heroics- DD for dashing across the room, and you for protecting your precious baby girl all the way down the stairs.
By the way, is it my imagination or is her hair getting thicker on top? It's not baby fuzz anymore- it's real hair!
Yikes! I'm sorry you hurt yourself falling down the stairs, but I'm glad Thumblini is OK. I hope your pain and worries subside soon.
Thumblini's hair does seem much thicker. At Roxana's birthday party this past weekend, some relatives asked my mom why we cut her hair like a boy's, and they were surprised to learn that that's all the hair she's grown in her year of life. Maybe next year, our girls will have enough hair for a barrette or bow, and maybe you'll be writing about how easy motherhood is (ha!).
Holy cow, I am so happy you guys are ok. Thank goodness you were able to protect her and dad was able to catch her.
It is nice to read a real blog, one that lays it on the line, being a parent is not easy. I can only imagine trying to be a parent and still be able to connect with my spouse and have the energy to do it. I know that my trials and tribulations will be different and I know it won't be easy, but at least I only have to think about her feelings and hopefully keep myself in check as well.
I know there are many adjustments but it's great to read that you guys are taking the time to talk through everything.
Lets see more pictures :)
I have been meaning to send you an email to recommend a book called "Mothershock" (Buchanan). It is not about adoption, but about parenting (mothering, particularly) and how wonderful and isolating it can be. I read it a few months after L was born and it made me feel less crazy.
I am glad you are okay. I can relate to a degree - I wiped out in a parking lot while holding L in my arms. Somehow he did not suffer a scratch. I, on the other hand, had scraps & bruises and ripped my pants!
I am the queen of irresponsibility now. You would laugh if you saw my old organizing system - it included a 10 pound binder that divided my life into categories & a weekly calendar carefully designed by me. A gaggle of highlighters and colored pens were used to keep track of the tiniest detail and event. I used to send birthday cards to every friend, family member and acquaintance. I would purchase them all at the beginning of the month and dutifully send them off 5 days before a birthday (or anniversary!). Now I am lucky to arrive to classes I teach on time. And, the binder has been collecting dust while the highlighters and colored pens dry out. But, here is the thing - I have figured out what is truly important. I don't need a calendar to keep track of that.
Finally, I love the idea of the ceremony - was it like a naming ceremony? It sounds lovely.
Karen said:
"Sorry to hear about the frightening tumble, but I see it as a metaphor. As you try to find your new "legs" as a mom, your hubby was there to catch you & Thumblini, making everything better. What a blessing. :-)"
you are so "real"
I love how you are so honest. I am sorry that you fell down the stairs, ouch and scary. But i'm glad T is ok and that you are too.
She is a gorgeous child and you have wonderful loving friends.
It is harder to connect with the hubby after you have a baby. Heck, we still go thru it and our son is 9 years old. We have gone thru really close times then times we've felt distant, and then we have to work to get close again.
Being a new mom is unbelievably hard, but it does get easier as they get older.
You are wonderful. :)
So much to catch up on; sorry that I haven't been a better blog reader, but I am back. :) Now that I have high speed internet again. :)
What a scary fall you had!! That is my worst fear! The first night that I had Z she fell head first off the couch on to the floor, I thought for sure that I had lost her but after a little crying, she was back to good. Terrifying to fall down the stairs though.
xoxo and your reconnecting as a couple.
Christy and Z
Gee, Curly Mom - it must be "genetic" - well, sympatico anyway because you sound just like me lately! Glad you only had bruises from the fall and that T was A-OK and Dr Dad was there to catch. Bumps and bruises and falls happen - don't be hard on yourself (or the dog). Falls happen and those are steep stairs!
Being a mother - or father - even stepmother or stepfather - is the best and hardest job anyone ever has and no one knows just how hard it is until they are in it 24/7. And - brace yourself - it really doesn't get easier...you just have to find ways to adjust and cope with the tremendous stresses all parents face. It will get easier once you can let others help out occasionally with T, even for short times, so you can take a break and find yourself again and reconnect with your fabulous husband and be refreshed and able to handle whatever comes next. I know several grandparents who would be happy to help! The best thing you can do for you and for her is to try to relax into being a mom -- yoga could help a great deal. I will never tell you it's easy because it isn't but I will tell you that you, the good Doc and beautiful baby T are loved and that you do have family to lean on during hard times.
Well this was good for a laugh. Certainly not because you fell,and I am sorry for you'll in that respect but laughing at how familiar your life sounds to mine, from the disorganization to forgetting all about appts. My husband and I never argued before Berik and thought we had discussed every detail about parenting to make sure we were on the same page but sometimes I wonder if we are even in the same book? It does get easier with time but is not easy by far. Kids are wonderful but trying to say the least. Just be consistant and everything will pan out. btw.. thanks for being "real" on the blog and allowing me to chuckle this morning..believe me after the morning I have had with B having the flu I needed this. Thanks, Gena Lloyd
Hey....glad I checked in for a look at your blog. Yikes...what a tumble!! I'm glad there weren't more serious injuries.
How wonderful that your clients gave you a surprise shower! I'm sure the look on your face was priceless :)
I'm not in your position yet to know what it's like to be a mom. But I have heard from other women who echo your feelings. You say it like it is - no sugarcoating. It's something to deal with and to reconnect with our spouses. It's very helpful to me to know these things before our little one comes into our lives.
I just have to say I love the latest photo. What a sweetheart!!
Eileen
Shannon Wrote:
"what a beautifully honest post. I'm thrilled it ended with the warm fuzzies ;-)"
So this is what life as a mom really means! Joys, fears and so much love!! And baby showers too....:). Very cute!
Ouch. Glad you two are ok. Though you'll probably discover soon enough that kids can be pretty resilient (at least that's what my mother tells me!). The stairs in my house scare me to death too. We have major barriers up all around them!
And how nice that you have such a large group of supportive friends there. I think that's one of the most important things for a new mom is to have a strong network of other moms to share their feelings and a glass or two of wine. I've already set up a future playgroup with a couple of women that I work with who have kids in a similar age group (one is adopting hers from Ethiopia). Have you tried a "playgroup" to talk through some of the anxiety you are feeling?
Finally, it seems that all marriages change when children come along. And you will work things out and develop a new deeper intimacy. Nearly all of my friends went through a similar rough period after their first child was born. As long as your marriage was strong in the first place (and it sounds like yours was a rock!), you'll get through this and be able to take things to a new level.
Hopefully you don't mind the lengthy comment and the armchair psychology... but the point is to not worry too much about the low points - and focus on the high points - as they seem to happen to everyone and are a normal part of the journey to the joy of parenthood.
p.s. I just love the photo of your daughter here - she is so beautiful!
I love how honest you are about what it is like to be a first time mom and to balance that with being a wife. I agree with Jen M. that no one says how hard is actually is. One of my biggest fears is if I will be able to handle it all. Being a mom, a wife and not losing too much of myself. Luckily like you, my husband is an amazing grounding force and I know he will be amazing:)
I am also glad that Thumblini came out okay in the fall. That had to be so scary!! I hope you are feeling much better! The surprise shower sounds like it was wonderful:) What a great client:)
Thank you again for writing such a wonderful, thoughful, real blog. I think you help validate feelings that a lot of new moms have:) You rock!! :)
What an honest and heartfelt post. I too have struggled in my mommy days and years. It is rewarding many days, but not so rewarding other days. But we do learn and grow in the good times as well as the difficult days. I always said, I was the best mommy in the world until I actually became one!
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