What a month it has been.
In the four short weeks since we returned home from Kazakhstan with Thumblini, I have experienced so many overwhelming feelings. I have no idea how to describe the intensity of returning home as a new mom to an adopted daughter who is in her 11th month of life. I have found myself laughing harder than ever, crying with unprecedented frustration, missing the little one terribly while she sleeps, and yearning deeply for quiet, quality (awake) time with my husband.
Thumblini has completely stolen my heart and she has bewitched me for good. I adore and admire her spunkiness, and her infectious glee at being alive. I think she might even be enjoying her time as our daughter. This makes me very, very happy. Nothing seems to bother her for more than a moment, and she is far more adaptable than either of her parents! I am in awe of this little girl.
It is not her, then, but I who struggles through the day. There are times when I am very depressed (!!??!), times when I am frantic to keep ahead of her and the house, and many are the times when I completely forget to eat (though I have managed somehow to gain back most of the weight I lost in Kazakshtan!) I continue to have a hard time sleeping because I wake up constantly: sometimes just to check on her, and sometimes because I hallucinate that she is in my bed and I am unable to find her. I wake up terrified, searching through the bedclothes, only to find a pillow in my hands. My poor husband. Thank goodness for his sense of humor...Sometimes I stroke his shoulder, thinking he is the baby, he wakes up and he laughs and tells me he is not the baby, and that the baby is sound asleep in her crib! Oh dear. I am a mess.
Finding space or time or energy or focus to sit still and write is very difficult. However, I can feel in my bones that things are beginning to shift just a bit, because as she sleeps tonight, I find myself writing. And, as she sleeps tonight, I can breath a bit more easily than I did yesterday. And I am smiling...but in an hour, I will probably fall apart in my husband's arms! :)
- CM
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22 comments:
You're doing just fine. It all sounds normal to us. We love you guys. Big hugs to the Blini. Sleep well.
Hi Curly Mom,
It sounds like a totally normal mix of emotions to me. You described pretty much all of the things I expect to feel at some point upon returning home! It is quite the adaptation one must make.
I send you wishes for strength and serenity as you continue to adapt to your wonderful new life.
All the best,
Regina
P.S. I bought a carton of strawberry-flavored Kefir in Publix grocery store the other night. I couldn't believe it when I saw it. It's made by a Russian family that moved to Ohio and started a company called Lifeway Foods. Their web site is lifeway.net. It tastes good ... like runny strawberry yogurt. ;-)
Hi there Mom! What you are feeling is totally normal!!!! But, of course, you tend to be able to communicate it more clearly than I was able to. :)
I am so glad your daughter is adapting beauitfully. :) I am sure she loves being your daughter. :)
Your life has forever changed, and that takes time to adjust to.
You rock.
and, eww. I just read REgina's comments. I bought Kefir a long time ago, before my dreams of Kaz had begun. I bought blueberrry...it grossed me out totally. Like drinking thick yogurt. eww. I threw it away. :)
Maybe baby Kaz will like it, but not HER MOM. ICK O RAMA!
I didn't know they had Publix in Charleston though, that's cool.
what sweet pictures you have been posting!!!! shes a very cute little girl!!!!
thanks for sharing your feelings. it certainly helps prepare me for what the range of emotions is to expect! it's a huge transition, no matter how much you longed for it, and it takes time to adjust! don't beat yourself up about it - this too shall pass! enjoy that precious little thumblini!
Sandi said...
CM,
I believe everything you are feeling is normal. Even moms who gave physical birth to their children go through thist. Your gonna be fine and so is Thumblini and DD. Hang in there, you will find your groove and life is going to be better then you ever imagined.
Sending you lots of hugs...
Sandi
You are officially a mom. That first year (or 2) is so full of ups and downs. You want to know something strange? I have the same "can't find the baby in the bed" dream. Luca is the ripe age of 4 and, at about 50 pounds, could never get lost in the bed. When I read your account of the dream my chest got tight. I know exactly how it feels. Everything you are feeling is normal and it sounds like Thumblini is thriving. GREAT JOB!
Thoughts:
I think sometimes those of us who adopt our children are "expected" to not have normal feelings like this. I can't tell you how many times I was struck by a well-meaning friend who couldn't believe I was craving time alone to just be. "But you worked so hard for her....YEARS!" Guess what? Your daughter is your daughter is your daughter. She isn't adopted; she was adopted. She is your daughter the same as any other who gave birth. Don't expect too much out of yourself, CM. What you write is the essence of motherhood.
Andrea words my thoughts beautifully. This is motherhood, and you are a mom! That said, you do have to be watchful for the adoption equivalent of post partum - it is very real and you are in the sweet spot for when it hits. Take care of yourself and keep reaching out to those who love you. Those of us who have been through it - whether pp or pa,
"get it" and send you big hugs.
I have to agree with everyone else. While I am not a mom *yet*....I have been thinking about the very same things that you are going through. Just because we're adopting or have adopted doesn't make being a mom any different than any of our friends who gave birth to kids.
It's rough and a huge change for everyone. I hope that you will be able to make some time for yourself and with your husband.
One wonderful thing is that you are expressing yourself. That is helpful, a great way to get your emotions out!!
I sure wish we lived closer but since that's not possible....write to me anytime!!!
Eileen
Awesome husband's are wonderful - I am glad that we both have them for transistions such as these!!! One day at a time, my friend. One day at a time!
Aila is a precious birthday girl!
Aaron & Julie said:
Awesome husbands are wonderful - I am glad that we both have them for transistions such as these!!! One day at a time, my friend. One day at a time!
Thumblini is a precious birthday girl!
oh, you are so normal, it's hard to adjust to doing everything & taking care of baby. I remember wanting to go back to Kaz so I wouldn't have the laundry, housework to deal with at home. LOL I dream that I lost the boys or they were kidnapped, I wake up in a cold sweat & have to go make sure they are still in their beds, I think it's part of being a mom. :)
Oh, I SO know what you mean about wanting some alone time with your DH, we love our kids so much & its hard to find that balance of mom & wife. The times we get alone are precious, even if its a Sam's run or the like. :) I think its an unfair judgement that just because we adopted that means we should spend every.waking.hour. with the kids & only them, adoption doesn't define our family, we are a normal family that needs balance just like everyone else. :)
Thank you for preparing all of us who are waiting for all of the emotions we might feel once home:) That is so valuable. You have an amazing husband - I hope mine can find the same humour when we come home! Which I am sure he can - he is definitely the calming factor in our relationship.
PS - I agree with the others that what you are feeling is completely normal. Welcome to motherhood, right? ;) Hope you are all doing well. Our thoughts are with you:)
I, too, feel depressed from time to time. I then feel guilty that I'm feeling that way, which makes it worse. Of course, I am happy to be home with Roxana...you obviously know what I mean without much elaboration. I just wanted you to know that you're not alone, and I'm glad to read others' comments that these are normal emotions and fears.
Hi CM,
I like what Andrea wrote about how we are still moms, even though we had to work so hard to be moms. I can relate a lot to what you wrote. I also wake up often at night, thinking that Tyler was in the bed and must have fallen off. I really miss Tyler when he is asleep, yet really look forward to naptime and bedtime. Are you staying home with the baby? I'm finding it a harder transition than I had thought, and also sometimes feel depressed. I was so focused for so many years on becoming a mom, it's been a bit of a shock to discover that it is hard work, and that I do miss time alone and time with my husband.
Feel free to email me if you'd like, not that I'm online on much as I used to be...
Susan, Mitch, and Tyler
What a real and heartfelt message. Yes, there are days I felt as you did too. We started all over again and it was so hard some days. You are normal.
Beckie
You know I adore you and am thinking of you. I won't comment further as I have poured out everything I've felt to you already. You also know I'm thinking other thoughts about "normality." :-)
Lots of love to all of you!
I have stolen a few moments as my son sleeps unusually late this morning, and I have a minute to check in with you. Let me begin by saying, it was so (I could fill the screen with o's) good to talk to you the other day; I am so thankful for that time. :) I have loved reading everyone's reassurances (I know they aren't writing to me, but they sure speak to my heart)...I think I'll postpone my being "committed." :)
Hope your day is wonderful.
With a hug,
your Florida friend
I think exhaustion is normal during this part of a baby's life... And sleep and free time is so overrated, anyway! Seriously, I'm sure you'll start to get more and more of a routine down and build in naps and time together eventually. That's what friends are for as well - to be relief hitters for a few minutes so you can recapture your sanity (now, where did I put that???). And that's what husbands are for - to catch you when you're falling apart.
Best of luck on your life transition to new mommy.
You know it's normal but it's still bizarre right? I think maybe that so much time is spent concentrating on the quest for baby that when that dream is finally realized the old underlying crap is still there waiting. At least that's what it is for me. I'm better than I've ever been, but I still have little bouts of depression that frustrate me. Hang in there - the good outweighs the bad, and I'm finding that it gets a little easier as they get more self sufficient (either that or they get cuter and you mind less)
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