The Curious Incident of the Binkie in the Nighttime – or - How I Learned My Lesson

Each time Thumblini was placed into a crib in the Baby House, they would pop a pacifier in her mouth. This occurred whether she was tired or not. And there she would sit, binking away on that tiny sliver of comfort. No longer in the BH (!), but still in a major life transition, we didn’t feel comfortable taking away this aid in self-soothing. So we decided that we would let her keep the pacifier, and save the weaning for later. We did tons of research, and felt comfortable with our decision.

We understood that before she came to us full-time, she was getting by on only the absolute minimum of care. She was fed and diapered and bathed on a schedule, rather than according to her personal needs, but she never cried or complained - after all, what was the point? They’d just pop in a pacifier.

I was hoping that even though it might be more work for me/us, she’d start to feel entitled to cry sooner rather than later after starting her life with us. I wanted her to feel loved and attended to, and I needed her to know that she could let it all hang out and I’d be right there for her every step of the way.

So, over the past month since she started living with us full-time, her habits have changed quite a bit, and in particular, her nighttime sleeping habits. She began with us, sleeping like the proverbial baby through the night. If she rolled over or made a peep, I’d be there to make sure she was OK, or to put her pacifier back in her mouth. As the days and nights progressed, she started to figure out that I’d come to her every time she cried out, so she started doing this once or twice each night. But then, she began crying out more and more when she’d lose her pacifier, and by the time we hit this past Sunday night, I was popping that thing back into her mouth 10+ times! Needless to say, by yesterday “binkie sherpa” duties had worn me down to a nub, and I started asking for advice and input from doctors and friends.

Two things became clear as I talked it through with trusted people: First, my baby has awakened! She is beginning to “get” that I am here for her and will attend to her needs when she cries. This is the WONDERFUL upside to what felt like a very sticky situation. The downside, in case it’s not yet clear, is that while she has awakened, I cannot sleep! To remedy this, I had one friend suggest that I place lots of pacifiers into her crib so that when she wakes up, she can easily find one. Sounded silly at first, but I figured it would be worth a try. However, I also had a doctor say that this has nothing to do with pacifiers. It has to do with her attaching to me and the fact that she is testing to see if I’ll come to her when she cries out. I completely agreed...with both. It has become clear that Thumblini has been testing my limits to figure out how our relationship works.

So my sweet-but-sometimes-salty husband and I discussed it last night (I cried a lot and he bit his lip) and we decided to place a bucketful of pacifiers in the crib for the little one. We also decided that he would hold me when she cried, so that I would be comforted (and not completely tortured) as we let her search for her own pacifier. As we went to bed, I was scared that I was about to be EVIL MOM. How would I fare, let alone Thumblini?


The lights went out. She tried to get my attention in a myriad of hilarious and heartbreaking ways (did she really use her blanket as a distress beacon?). I had to discipline myself over and over again not to go to her. But each time, she would eventually cut her shenanigans short, fumble for a pacifier, and fall back asleep. This morning when she woke up, I peeked reluctantly through my fingers only to find...I was Evil Mom no more. Signed, sealed, and delivered with that perfect ear-to-ear grin on Thumblini’s face.

- CM

PS Special Thanks to DD - my dear husband and the managing editor of this blog - for helping to make this post readable....In my exhaustion it hasn't been so easy to write clearly.